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Post by wolfganghype on May 21, 2006 4:38:51 GMT -5
Ok, I haven't even finished the second chapter and I've noticed a ton of mistakes. Mostly jumbled up words or missing letters but there's at least a few that are more serious, namely Rose's age. I mean come on, a five year old would not be able to make a pass with sword meant for a grown man, let alone 'become almost as good as' her father. Then at the age of 12 she nearly kills a man who has probably been learning his entire life? That seriously needs revised to something closer to 10 and 17.
Also do you honestly think it's possible to accurately shoot five arrows at the same time? that should be revised to quick succession without even taking in the fact that she's been living in the city for the past 7 years and wouldn't get many chances to practice with a bow; one shot that spooks the deer towards the platoon would be the most realistic option.
Then there's the rank, it's not based solely on skill with a blade as tactical skills and leadership ablity. That should be revised to elite forces or some such.
Finally there's the name, it's a prequel, not a sequel so 2 sounds a little strange, though that's more up to you.
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Post by Crimen Rex rgis on May 22, 2006 16:18:53 GMT -5
seing as how rose already has a dragoon spirit insider her, making her stronger, its extremly possible for her to beat people considerbly larger then her. also, most soldiers have only had a few years of experiance with a sword, but someone like rose who's lived for years by herself, having to steal to get anything, has had many instances in which she needed to use her sword. also, shes been training since she could actually hold a sword, which is nearly over a decade now, more then the average soldier.
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Post by wolfganghype on May 23, 2006 0:34:07 GMT -5
I don't remember hearing anything about dragon spirits making someone who just had it with them, not even being able to use it, stronger, can you please site your source?
Also, Diaz is a noble, he's been training his entire life, besides, if I understand correctly the war's been going on for a while and Diaz and his platoon goes straight to the frontlines so the fact that he and his platoon are still alive indicates they are extremely good.
Besides you say she's been able to hold a sword for the past decade, that would be since she was 2! I don't know any 5 year olds, let alone a 2 year old, who would be able to make an actual pass with a sword! back in the middle ages kids didn't even start training till they were 6 or 7 and didn't use actual weapons till they became a squire at 14!
Finally you have to factor in her gender. Girls generally have a lighter build than men and Rose follows that trend, she wouldn't be up to as much physical activities as a man would, which is even more reason to push the ages back towards at least 9 and 16, she simply wouldn't have developed the muscles till somewhere round then.
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Post by Crimen Rex rgis on May 23, 2006 14:37:56 GMT -5
as for the gendor roles ur talking about, ur just plain wrong. hate to break it to you, but woman genneraly make better warriors then men. the fact that as a culture we seem to reject this dates back to when we had the half assed belief that woman needed our protection. u want proof? woman are more agile and flexible then men for 1 thing, and they have a MUCH higher tolerance for pain (more proof? how about a childs head through a hole that starts out 1 inch wide, then slowly gets pushed to a maximum of 10 inches if your lucky). woman are seen as frail because society imposed that on them, and it just wont let those views up. in old times, some of the most feared warriors were amazon tribes completly composed of woman.
as for nobility being trained, they really werent. they might of taken some slight fencing and dueling lessons, but they havent been trained for grunt work. sure, theyve been trained strategicly, but those king arthur fables youve seen are just that: fables. ever seen a president go to his own war? things were no different back then then they are now.
your ages are wrong to. considering people only lived to be about 30, and were married around 15, they would start training long before then. ever seen the newest king arthur movie? those kids were 7 when they were taken from their homes and trained to be knights, the romans just couldnt afford to wait.
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Post by wolfganghype on May 23, 2006 16:15:36 GMT -5
ok, first, when I said 'physical activity' I meant stuff requiring strength and endurance, you said nothing against that so my point stands. Frankly I believe the part about amazons is simply because of being underestimated then overestimated because of victory from being underestimated. I'm not argueing that they cannot be good warriors I'm simply saying that it would take a female a longer time to reach the same point as a man in the areas of strength and endurance.
Second, I want a scientific proof that a woman would be able to stand up to as much punishment as most men of the same ethnic background could. Rules of society were formed originally because that's what worked to keep them alive so it makes sense that women are lacking something needed for a warriors life, maybe it's simply the instinct to have children, or frame of mind as women have a more emotional mindset that could play a role. And I'm not being sexist because I live with two sisters and usually just my mom and would get torn apart if I was.
when I mention nobility I'm refering to the fact that they were the only one's aplicable for knighthood and was aluding to that. as for what you said it might sound good if the noble in question hadn't gone off to war and was leading an elite group of soldiers.
As for my ages you've only helped to reaffirm my statement, considering I mentioned that they were taken for training at age 7, and that was taken into consideration when I posted apropriate ages.
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Post by Crimen Rex rgis on May 25, 2006 14:22:40 GMT -5
sigh, im getting bored of this, so im only going to correct your first paragraph. swordplay has very little to do with endurance and strength. think of david and goliath, the same princaples apply to swordfighting. the quicker and more agile will almost always win, except when the slower gets a lucky hit in. thats why as time progressed, swords eventually got smaller and smaller. 9/10 times, a broadsword will lose to a rapier, because by the time u swing that giant sword, the rapier will already be through your chest or across your throat. (rapiers may be a bad example because of how flimsy they are, but the point still stands that a thin, light sword beats a huge, heavy sword.... although sephiroth fans will beg to differ.)
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Post by Cablevision on Jun 1, 2006 17:33:44 GMT -5
You are really thinking too much. Please note that this is fantasy. Things that are not normally possible become true. You said something about the 5 arrows and how it wasn't possible. Yes, it's not possible IN REAL LIFE. Disputing this in the setting of this story is almost as worthless as saying magic isn't real.
Now, about the age. Yes, I, too, have disputed the age. But I set the age at 12 for a reason. It shows that a human body can adapt to any situation. For Rose, she lost her family at a young age which drastically changes someone's outlook on life and the inner survival instinct takes over. Cirrus was incorrect about the "decade of sword use." She had the sword, which doesn't mean she was using it the whole time. Although, yes, a 12 year old that can match up to a general seems a bit fishy, but Rose had been watching sword styles and fighting techniques before even then(recall back to when her brother and father faught). It is possible to learn something by just watching it, that's how most of the greats in anything get greater, watching others.
Now, the weapon. It's nothing heavy like a broad sword or a halberd. It's a saber made lightweight and made for speed more than striking power. You may say, a saber could never block something like a broad sword. Yes, that's true. But in the time it takes to swing a broad sword, a person could get in a quick hit with the saber. Also, since it's lightweight, almost anyone older than a toddler could pick it up. And since she has seen some skill from her family, she could easily become a good sword user.
Now onto physical strength. It is a proven fact that woman have much greater endurance than men. Endurance is more important than strength because if someone who has great strength can't hold it for very long, that person has a disadvantage against the person with moderate strength but can have the energy to keep going. This is because pushing more strength into a blow burns a lot more energy than holding the same amount. Take arm wrestling for example. If you start out with all you have, you burn energy quickly, and shortly after, you begin to lose. But if you are able to keep up enough and wait it out until the person is spent, then you strike. Now, you may be asking, "If a weaker person can do this, so can a strong person, so couldn't the stronger start lower, spend the weaker person's strength, and then strike?" Absolutely. But, this story isn't based on arm wrestling. It's set on the battlefield which doesn't leave time to think about your own energy.
Now, tha last thing I want to say. My grammar mistakes and "messed up" sentences. I'm not a legitimate writer. Hell, I'm not a writer at all, for that matter. I have ideas and I just put them into words. I may not find the best words to express such things, but I do the best I can.
If you have any other problems or questions, keep them in this topic. I will try to answer or explain everything as clearly as possible.
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Post by Crimen Rex rgis on Jun 1, 2006 20:43:34 GMT -5
wow, your alive... its a miracle! when can we except the next chapter? and how about the cyoa? I CRAVE LEGEND OF DRAGOONN!!!!
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Post by Cablevision on Jun 4, 2006 11:09:11 GMT -5
I've been having a hard time with writing lately.
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Post by wolfganghype on Jun 4, 2006 15:26:38 GMT -5
ok, there was no reason to respond to the comment on misspelled words, i was simply bringing it to your attention, and for the comment on it being fantasy- generally it's the inclusion of magic or things that don't really exist that makes it that, not unrealistic stuff being done outside the effects of magic. that's all I have time to remark on at the moment.
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Post by Cablevision on Jun 5, 2006 16:02:20 GMT -5
OK. This is good. Anything else you have, I would like to hear.
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Post by wolfganghype on Jun 6, 2006 3:20:44 GMT -5
Ok, don't know if you're being sarcastic but...
For the age- I'll succeed on my point a bit, personally I find it unrealistic but other people I've talked to say that at age three they would say that someone could begin to learn to use a sword. Also your point that you can learn something from watching is valid as well, but you have to take into account the fact that you can watch all you want, but if you want to truely something like sword fighting you have to actually do it.
Now I'm a slightly smaller than average 15 year old, and I can tell you from experience (martial arts and fencing classes) that when using a weapon for the first time you won't be able to move exactly the way you want. Your muscles simply aren't used to the weight, and I've done this is with 28" wooden sticks and fencing foils- which, considering they're only about a square quarter of an inch thick, are lighter than a saber would be. Plus from what I gather of Rose's style (in this) she tends to use more slashing moves, that would use up more energy than the minscule movements used with foils.
You say anyone older than a toddler could pick it up, well that might be true but consider the fact that the blade would probably as long as she is tall. You can't learn the style properly at that point, at least not using that weapon. Though I notice that she had practiced with a dagger at some point, that might allow her to practice as though it were a saber and thus learn the style properly.
Now about what you said about stength, endurance, and burning energy: true that on the battlefield you don't really have time to think about how much energy you're expending, but that's what training's for, it builds up your reserves and teaches you to conserve; so that you're not thinking, you're reacting in the way that you've taught yourself to.
I think that's everything you mentioned.
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Post by Cablevision on Jun 6, 2006 19:35:01 GMT -5
I wasn't being sarcastic. You are actually the first person to even try to correct such things. Everything you say is valid and it's good constructive criticism.
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Post by booyaka on Jun 6, 2006 22:20:00 GMT -5
I would've pointed them out, but I don't know too many big words >_>
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Post by Cablevision on Jun 8, 2006 8:57:26 GMT -5
excuses excuses >_>
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Post by booyaka on Jun 8, 2006 16:24:45 GMT -5
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Post by Cablevision on Jun 9, 2006 16:13:24 GMT -5
=P
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Post by Crimen Rex rgis on Jun 24, 2006 22:12:06 GMT -5
i would of pointed something out, but i have enough negative things in my life without creating some more ;D ;D ;D
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Post by wolfganghype on Jun 25, 2006 1:52:40 GMT -5
you had no problem critizing my critism anyway it's not negetive unless you state it in such a way as to be negetive.
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Post by Cablevision on Jun 27, 2006 17:32:29 GMT -5
Plus, I would probably eat your souls. Not without good reason, of course >_>
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