Post by grandgameking on Apr 30, 2007 23:29:26 GMT -5
Wecome to the new topic that has more randomness then your use to in one serving.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. ... I got a full house and four people died. ...
I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, but I only need them when I read so I got flip-ups. ...
I have a map of the United States, it's actual size. ... It says, "One mile equals one mile." ...
I spent the day watching live animation. ... Later, I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. ...
I was once walking through the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it. ...
I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the language -- you put the album on, you put headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night, the record skipped. ... I got up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish. ... When I go, I'm flying. I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline, you buy a combination one-way round-trip ticket. ... You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday. ... That way, you still have the weekend. ...
Sometimes, you can't hear what I'm saying', it's 'cause sometimes I'm in parentheses. ...
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out my window, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellite picture. ...
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. ... It was in the shape of a house. ... I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. ... So I had to buy 'em again. ...
It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. ... I put 'em in the same room and let 'em fight it out...
There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin' up a triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough] ...
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. ... I had trouble goin' home from there 'cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back, the entire area was gone. ... For a while, I didn't have a car, I had a helicopter. But I had nowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to it and leave it runnin'. ...
When I was baby, I kept a diary. ... Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day One: Still tired from the move." ... "Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." ...
I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focus on purpose. ... So, when the police stop me, they go-- [mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at the license, then handing it back to the driver] Here, you can go. ... One time, they stopped me for speeding and they said, "Don't you know the speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know. But I wasn't gonna be out that long." ...
And now for a commercial break.......
Spokesman: For years, I suffered from itchy, flaky scalp. I tried every product on the market. Then I heard about Trilocaine.
Announcer: Trilocaine. Prescription medication for serious scalp itch. Possible side effects include dry mouth, or loss of appetite. Some users may experience dizziness or nausea. And 90% of users experience an instantaneous and horrifying sleep-paralysis containing a bleak vision of mortality. If you're one of those 90%, after taking Trilocaine, you'll slip into unconsciousness and feel yourself stepping through a looking glass into a "not-world". There, you'll meet your identical twin. The doppleganger points at you and laughs, a chattering skull-like laugh, then turns into a screeching falcon and flies off towards the blood-red sun.
Suddenly, you're on a viking ship, skimming across a lake of white-cold fire. You feel nothing. An emptiness, perhaps. Somewhere, a lone snow dog howls o'er the wintry plains. You try to scream, but blood pours from your mouth, coalescing into the form of a hideous infant smoking a long pipe. His rage is blinding. At last, you find yourself poised before two doors. One leads to eternal joy, the other to hellish misery. Choose correctly, and you'll drift back to consciousness.. with a moist, itch-free scalp.
Another side effect is mild flatulence.
Ask your doctor about Trilocaine.
And now we return....
How many of you have heard this in your home: "Where's the good scissors? I can't keep anything nice in this house."
Here's another thing you don't hear at home, mostly guys say this: "Hey, who stole my underwear! Somebody stole my underwear!" "Which one?" "This week's underwear."
Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they're dead yet? I can't help it.
Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can't do it. People keep bringing it back to you, man. "Hey, uh.. your wastebasket is in the garbage here!"
Check this out. When you have a package of bacon, underneath all the neat, horizontal strips, there's always one weird piece of bacon. [ leans back and stretches his arms out ]
What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lie around, that's their job, man!
As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport. There'll be lots of places later they'll be searching us, but the airport is where they're kind of trying it out. And, as you know, they search your bags, too, to make sure there's no weapons. "Don't want any weapons on the plane! you know." They have the little fluoroscope job, and they run you through the model home, and: "No weapons! Let 'em on!" You get on the plane, and you're clean! What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork, and all the wine you can drink, man. I mean, I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess's head and threaten paper cuts! "Do what he says! Do what he says!"
Oh.. there's a moment.. coming. There's a moment coming, it's.. it's not here yet. It's on the way.. It's still in the future. Here.. here it is! [ a beat ] Oh.. it's gone, man. There's no present, man. Everything is the near future and the recent past. No wonder we can't get anything together, we've got no time, huh?
Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you're calling? Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.
Did you ever look at yourself in store windows when you're walking past the stores? "Hey, I look cool in the store window, man! [ lukewarm audience reaction ] Have I done these jokes before tonight? Please tell me.
Why is there no blue food? I can't find blue food - I can't find the flavor of blue! I mean, green is lime; yellow is lemon; orange is orange; red is cherry; what's blue? There's no blue! Oh, they say, "Blueberries!" Uh-uh; blue on the vine, purple on the plate. There's no blue food! Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably instores immortality! They're keeping it from us!
I'll take my vitamin. Do you take vitamins? Did you ever travel with vitamins? Oh, well.. if you take a lot of vitamins, and they're not the kind that says "Joe's Vitamins" on the side - the plain-looking vitamins - and you have a whole lot, and you don't the whole big jumbo thing on the road, you take as many as you need - and they're not marked. And the jar you put them in isn't marked. If a policeman really wants to give you a hard time, he can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins. That's why I travel with Flintstone vitamins!
The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it's like Military Intelligence - the words don't go together, man.
It's already Sunday, and it's God's day OFF!! That's what it said in the Bible - He worked six days, then He took Sunday off. It's His one day off, and THAT'S the day we all go in and crowd the church and ask him: [ mumbles praying sounds ] "It's my day off, man!"
Well, we create God in our own image and likeness. No question about that. Every time I see a picture of God, I mean, He has knees and toenails, right? Uh - and a good example - a better example - of our kind of self-centeredness, when it comes to God - when we put a statue of Jesus on the dashboard, instead of having Him looking out and watching for traffic, which is what He should be doing, we have Him watching us drive. [ mimes operating a steering wheel with frenzy ] "Heeeeyyy!! Watch THIS, Jesus! Left turn!" You ever see a statue leap? Jumped right up into the baby shoes that time. Don't worry, don't worry - the universe is in balance, because Jesus has a statue of a middle-class American hypocrite on His dashboard. It's alright. Things work out well.
But, uh - we are so conceited about this God concept, that we, we'll go around describing Him to each other. I mean, we say, "He's infinite, and we can never understand Him - but I'll describe him for 'ya!" What - well, here's what it's like - first of all, first of all, uh, He knows everything. He knows absolutely everything. I don't even know what I'm talking about, He knows what I mean. Secondly, He never started and He's never gonna end. And third, He is all powerful. He can do anything. He can throw a car right over a wall. He's just like us - He's a cool guy, that's all God is, a cool guy. That's what all the religions told us: "He's like us, He's us." That's what all the big ones, all the big religions said, "Love yourself, Love your God, Love your neighbor, because you're all basically the same person. We just don't have uniforms yet, that's all."
And we do go for that, don't we? We kinda buy that. "Oh, yeah, I'm God. Sure. Stanley is God. Arlene is God. God and me are Arlene and Stanley." It makes things a little complicated, but we do kinda believe God. And if God is like us, I think he may perhaps be subject to Physical Laws. I mean, supernatural? [ grimaces ] But subject to Physical Laws, possibly. It would explain a lot of things. It would explain why He always has to send an angel as a messenger. I mean, if He's God, why doesn't He show up? "Hey, I got a message for 'ya, here you go." He sends an angel. And the angel always flies in over a mountain - I mean, that implies that you're traversing over a physical space. So, possibly, uh, God is subject to Physical Laws. People say, "Well, if God is so benevolent, how can He let people suffer?" [ shrugs his shoulders ] He can't help, it lady! He's subject to Physical Laws!
Maybe He's only a, uh, semi Supreme being. Because He's like us, and we're not perfect. I-I think God may not be, uh, perfect. I think His work.. shows that. Take a look at a mountain range - they're all crooked, they're never in line. All different sizes. There are no two leaves that same. He can't even give two people the same fingerprints! He's had BILLIONS of years to work on some of this stuff! And EVERYTHING He has ever MADE.. DIED!! Everything so far!! [ audience applauds ] So far! Where did He get this great reputation? He's batting .000!
Now, some religions - which are not to be confused with God - some religions will tell you that it's quite okay not to worry about your own life. Religion has a way of relieving yourself of any responsibility for your acts. It's God's will! "Oh, I ran over the kid in the driveway, yes, but don't look at me! [ chuckles ] God's will!" Can't you see a lynch mob going, "Let's get this guy, God! That's the fourth kid He's killed this week!"
Religion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes. And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. ... I got a full house and four people died. ...
I finally went to the eye doctor, I got contacts, but I only need them when I read so I got flip-ups. ...
I have a map of the United States, it's actual size. ... It says, "One mile equals one mile." ...
I spent the day watching live animation. ... Later, I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. ...
I was once walking through the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear it. ...
I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the language -- you put the album on, you put headphones on, you learn the language while you're sleeping. During the night, the record skipped. ... I got up the next day, I could only stutter in Spanish. ... When I go, I'm flying. I'm flying Air Bizarre. It's a good airline, you buy a combination one-way round-trip ticket. ... You leave any Monday and they bring you back the previous Friday. ... That way, you still have the weekend. ...
Sometimes, you can't hear what I'm saying', it's 'cause sometimes I'm in parentheses. ...
Every once in a while I like to stick my head out my window, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellite picture. ...
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. ... It was in the shape of a house. ... I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. ... So I had to buy 'em again. ...
It was my birthday recently. For my birthday, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. ... I put 'em in the same room and let 'em fight it out...
There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go there and see the guy throwin' up a triangle. [mimes tossing triangular dough] ...
I went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums. ... I had trouble goin' home from there 'cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone. When I came back, the entire area was gone. ... For a while, I didn't have a car, I had a helicopter. But I had nowhere to park it so I used to just tie a rope to it and leave it runnin'. ...
When I was baby, I kept a diary. ... Recently, I was rereading it. It said, "Day One: Still tired from the move." ... "Day Two: Everybody talks to me like I'm an idiot." ...
I had the photograph on my license taken out-of-focus on purpose. ... So, when the police stop me, they go-- [mimes a policeman squinting uncertainly at the license, then handing it back to the driver] Here, you can go. ... One time, they stopped me for speeding and they said, "Don't you know the speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know. But I wasn't gonna be out that long." ...
And now for a commercial break.......
Spokesman: For years, I suffered from itchy, flaky scalp. I tried every product on the market. Then I heard about Trilocaine.
Announcer: Trilocaine. Prescription medication for serious scalp itch. Possible side effects include dry mouth, or loss of appetite. Some users may experience dizziness or nausea. And 90% of users experience an instantaneous and horrifying sleep-paralysis containing a bleak vision of mortality. If you're one of those 90%, after taking Trilocaine, you'll slip into unconsciousness and feel yourself stepping through a looking glass into a "not-world". There, you'll meet your identical twin. The doppleganger points at you and laughs, a chattering skull-like laugh, then turns into a screeching falcon and flies off towards the blood-red sun.
Suddenly, you're on a viking ship, skimming across a lake of white-cold fire. You feel nothing. An emptiness, perhaps. Somewhere, a lone snow dog howls o'er the wintry plains. You try to scream, but blood pours from your mouth, coalescing into the form of a hideous infant smoking a long pipe. His rage is blinding. At last, you find yourself poised before two doors. One leads to eternal joy, the other to hellish misery. Choose correctly, and you'll drift back to consciousness.. with a moist, itch-free scalp.
Another side effect is mild flatulence.
Ask your doctor about Trilocaine.
And now we return....
How many of you have heard this in your home: "Where's the good scissors? I can't keep anything nice in this house."
Here's another thing you don't hear at home, mostly guys say this: "Hey, who stole my underwear! Somebody stole my underwear!" "Which one?" "This week's underwear."
Do you ever look at the crowds in old movies and wonder if they're dead yet? I can't help it.
Have you ever tried to throw away an old wastebasket? You can't do it. People keep bringing it back to you, man. "Hey, uh.. your wastebasket is in the garbage here!"
Check this out. When you have a package of bacon, underneath all the neat, horizontal strips, there's always one weird piece of bacon. [ leans back and stretches his arms out ]
What do dogs do on their day off? They can't lie around, that's their job, man!
As you know, they search you pretty well at the airport. There'll be lots of places later they'll be searching us, but the airport is where they're kind of trying it out. And, as you know, they search your bags, too, to make sure there's no weapons. "Don't want any weapons on the plane! you know." They have the little fluoroscope job, and they run you through the model home, and: "No weapons! Let 'em on!" You get on the plane, and you're clean! What do they do, they give you a knife and a fork, and all the wine you can drink, man. I mean, I could take over a plane with a piece of looseleaf paper, right? Just hold it at the stewardess's head and threaten paper cuts! "Do what he says! Do what he says!"
Oh.. there's a moment.. coming. There's a moment coming, it's.. it's not here yet. It's on the way.. It's still in the future. Here.. here it is! [ a beat ] Oh.. it's gone, man. There's no present, man. Everything is the near future and the recent past. No wonder we can't get anything together, we've got no time, huh?
Did you ever dial the phone and forget who you're calling? Don't you feel dumb? You don't know whether to hang on and hope you remember the voice or not.. Then when you remember who it was, you have to call back, so you change your voice so they don't think you're a moron.
Did you ever look at yourself in store windows when you're walking past the stores? "Hey, I look cool in the store window, man! [ lukewarm audience reaction ] Have I done these jokes before tonight? Please tell me.
Why is there no blue food? I can't find blue food - I can't find the flavor of blue! I mean, green is lime; yellow is lemon; orange is orange; red is cherry; what's blue? There's no blue! Oh, they say, "Blueberries!" Uh-uh; blue on the vine, purple on the plate. There's no blue food! Where is the blue food? We want the blue food! Probably instores immortality! They're keeping it from us!
I'll take my vitamin. Do you take vitamins? Did you ever travel with vitamins? Oh, well.. if you take a lot of vitamins, and they're not the kind that says "Joe's Vitamins" on the side - the plain-looking vitamins - and you have a whole lot, and you don't the whole big jumbo thing on the road, you take as many as you need - and they're not marked. And the jar you put them in isn't marked. If a policeman really wants to give you a hard time, he can hold you overnight while they check the vitamins. That's why I travel with Flintstone vitamins!
The term Jumbo Shrimp has always amazed me. What is a Jumbo Shrimp? I mean, it's like Military Intelligence - the words don't go together, man.
It's already Sunday, and it's God's day OFF!! That's what it said in the Bible - He worked six days, then He took Sunday off. It's His one day off, and THAT'S the day we all go in and crowd the church and ask him: [ mumbles praying sounds ] "It's my day off, man!"
Well, we create God in our own image and likeness. No question about that. Every time I see a picture of God, I mean, He has knees and toenails, right? Uh - and a good example - a better example - of our kind of self-centeredness, when it comes to God - when we put a statue of Jesus on the dashboard, instead of having Him looking out and watching for traffic, which is what He should be doing, we have Him watching us drive. [ mimes operating a steering wheel with frenzy ] "Heeeeyyy!! Watch THIS, Jesus! Left turn!" You ever see a statue leap? Jumped right up into the baby shoes that time. Don't worry, don't worry - the universe is in balance, because Jesus has a statue of a middle-class American hypocrite on His dashboard. It's alright. Things work out well.
But, uh - we are so conceited about this God concept, that we, we'll go around describing Him to each other. I mean, we say, "He's infinite, and we can never understand Him - but I'll describe him for 'ya!" What - well, here's what it's like - first of all, first of all, uh, He knows everything. He knows absolutely everything. I don't even know what I'm talking about, He knows what I mean. Secondly, He never started and He's never gonna end. And third, He is all powerful. He can do anything. He can throw a car right over a wall. He's just like us - He's a cool guy, that's all God is, a cool guy. That's what all the religions told us: "He's like us, He's us." That's what all the big ones, all the big religions said, "Love yourself, Love your God, Love your neighbor, because you're all basically the same person. We just don't have uniforms yet, that's all."
And we do go for that, don't we? We kinda buy that. "Oh, yeah, I'm God. Sure. Stanley is God. Arlene is God. God and me are Arlene and Stanley." It makes things a little complicated, but we do kinda believe God. And if God is like us, I think he may perhaps be subject to Physical Laws. I mean, supernatural? [ grimaces ] But subject to Physical Laws, possibly. It would explain a lot of things. It would explain why He always has to send an angel as a messenger. I mean, if He's God, why doesn't He show up? "Hey, I got a message for 'ya, here you go." He sends an angel. And the angel always flies in over a mountain - I mean, that implies that you're traversing over a physical space. So, possibly, uh, God is subject to Physical Laws. People say, "Well, if God is so benevolent, how can He let people suffer?" [ shrugs his shoulders ] He can't help, it lady! He's subject to Physical Laws!
Maybe He's only a, uh, semi Supreme being. Because He's like us, and we're not perfect. I-I think God may not be, uh, perfect. I think His work.. shows that. Take a look at a mountain range - they're all crooked, they're never in line. All different sizes. There are no two leaves that same. He can't even give two people the same fingerprints! He's had BILLIONS of years to work on some of this stuff! And EVERYTHING He has ever MADE.. DIED!! Everything so far!! [ audience applauds ] So far! Where did He get this great reputation? He's batting .000!
Now, some religions - which are not to be confused with God - some religions will tell you that it's quite okay not to worry about your own life. Religion has a way of relieving yourself of any responsibility for your acts. It's God's will! "Oh, I ran over the kid in the driveway, yes, but don't look at me! [ chuckles ] God's will!" Can't you see a lynch mob going, "Let's get this guy, God! That's the fourth kid He's killed this week!"
Religion - religion, at best - at BEST - is like a lift in your shoe. If you need it for a while, and it makes you walk straight and feel better - fine. But you don't need it forever, or you can become permanently disabled. Religion is like a lift in the shoe, and I say just don't ask me to wear your shoes. And let's not go down and nail lifts onto the natives' feet.
